Finding community in perimenopause
How talking to others going through the same changes can feel like a comfort blanket.
Despite being worried that this was going to turn into a niche health blog when I first started writing on Substack, it’s actually been a while since I last wrote about perimenopause. I’ve written about how it started and I’ve written about a symptom I wished I’d been prepared for, but nothing else about my experience over the last couple of years since I’ve been on HRT has jumped out at me as a good topic for a blog post. But I found myself messaging a couple of people about perimenopause this morning and I realised what the second best treatment for my symptoms has been — talking to other people who are going through the same thing.
I’m lucky enough to work for a large university which offers a wide range of health and wellbeing activities and support for its staff and PhD students, so I have had the benefit of attending a number of menopause cafe sessions. These are informal discussions with no strict format or agenda where the participants chose what they want to talk about and share, and at my place of work they alternate between online and in-person sessions. Despite an initial feeling of discomfort the first time I attended one, due to the other participants talking about ‘us women’ and discussing dealing with parenting teenagers as if this applied to everyone else in the group*, I soon settled into a feeling of comfort and camaraderie once people started opening up about their symptoms and journeys. Connecting with colleagues you have only just met through tales of physical and mental ill health is a peculiar yet freeing experience.
We discussed symptoms I hadn’t heard of, different types of HRT, how people cope (or don’t!) with brain fog alongside a stressful job, the progression from peri to menopause, and every one of those conversations brought with it relief. When I went through puberty I may have been surrounded by people who were going through the same thing at the same time but did we talk about it? Hell no! Fast forward almost four decades and going through hormonal upheaval in a world where people talk openly about it is so incredibly reassuring. I’ve had many conversations with friends about symptoms and getting a GP to believe them (apparently many still believe that you’re ‘too young’ unless you’re fast approaching 50), plus I’ve had some conversations with colleagues on my team too which felt like getting a weight off my chest.
Somewhat surprisingly (to me, anyway), this has felt like finding community. Some of the conversations are with people I wouldn’t otherwise have got to chat to, and the topics we’re discussing create a type of intimacy that some folk never even get with their closest friends due to the fear of TMI. When we discuss the realities of living in our unruly bodies, we’re being vulnerable and and also supportive. Even if the person we speak to isn’t going through the same thing, maybe they will be some day or perhaps they know someone who will. Every little bit of knowledge we put out there about perimenopause will potentially help someone else have a better experience because they will go into it knowing more than they might otherwise have done.
If you’d like to know more about menopause and are looking for a good book on the topic, I can highly recommend What Fresh Hell is This? by Heather Corinna. Not only is it an accessible read and highly informative, it’s also written for people going through menopause so everyone feels included. None of this “omg, hot flashes ladies, amirite?!’ that I’ve found in so many other books. We’re not all ladies, we’re not all parents, but we have all had quite enough of this bullshit thank you very much. Sadly, the end of this particular fresh hell is not yet in sight for me but at least I have plenty of understanding folks to chat with in the meantime.
*I’ve written about my gender on this blog already but I think I need to also write a post about not having children.